Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
time to smoke my breakfast
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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