You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
