You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
