I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
