sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
