Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
