Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
