my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Are my feet made of real feet?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
