We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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