So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
