maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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