I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
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