Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
