I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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