Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
