how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
