I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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