Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
