I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
