Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
