please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
