And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
And then my night got REAL pukey
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
