even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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