I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
