dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
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Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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