I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
