I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
