Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
