i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
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