How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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