so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
