He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
