I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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