my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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