did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
