The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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