I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
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He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
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I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I love you. Go after that dick
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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