I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
