My hand turned me down
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
