The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
