I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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