Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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