I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
