You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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