I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
