My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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