Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
