My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
