I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
