rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
