i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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