It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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