What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Randomize
