I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
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I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
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If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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