somebody snuck up and got me drunk
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
