this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
