I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
