just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
