how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
